Here we go again…

Man, why does it have to be so hard to lose weight and why does partaking in sharing the daily bread need to be so unforgiving? I am feeling slightly defeated with my weight, again! After 9 months of stellar maintenance, December rolled in with all its glorious holiday events while outside, the polar bear weather settled in. A perfect cocktail of luscious foods and comforting cocooning habits! Until then, my typical week revolved around 6 days of dietary vigilance paired with one evening of gustatory indulgence. But by December, the one evening of «anything» goes turned suddenly into two… The 6km walk to and from work screeched to a complete halt thanks to the ice and bitter cold; I am such a wuss, even with all the proper winter wear accoutrement. But not only a wuss: my entire genetic make up steers me towards inertia. I am a  carb loving couch potato! I am perfectly happy sitting still while reading , crafting, sinking into a good movie or writing.  As much as I love vegetables, I would sooner eat a big bowl of pipping hot pasta than a salad and I would definitely choose the sandwich over a bag of carrot sticks. So it seems I have been happily reverting back to old habits that had gotten me into the morbidly obese category not so long ago. At work, more often than none, I let my guards down and started to partake in all food related festivities: bake sales, birthdays, promotions, retirements, holiday lunches etc. I chose to forget that it was much better for me to attend with a nice cup of tea while saying «no thank you» to scrumptious scones, decadent brownies and drop dead muffins. Even restaurant menu choices were marred by the complacency of a very short lived stable weight:  I knew I could «splurge» once a week without any fluctuation on the scale. But let’s face it, these “splurges” were not big ones either: picking a few fries from my hubbie’s plate with a glass of wine all the while choosing a diet friendly meal for myself. But, and as many others who,  like me, have been battling obesity all their lives, I lost momentum… Since the occasional splurge kept me at my current ideal goal weight, I started to get cocky thinking I could expand my carb horizons a little bit more!  I started to boldly overflow the splurges on other evenings. The «good» menu options were slowly side swiped for very rich favourites I fantasize on daily… Calorie dense items made their way back into my plate: even though I still am extremely picky about where and what I eat, hand cut French fries, even if they are made with local potatoes, have way too many calories per serving than my metabolism can handle… Especially when they land in my plate instead of simply grabbing a few from the man! Yes, organic pasta loaded with local cheese and pasture fed meat sauce is still super calorie dense. I totally get it! Or do I? If I did, I wouldn’t be so terribly disappointed with my performance over the past 3 months now would I? I wouldn’t feel like a failure when it comes to weight management. I wouldn’t feel like I am losing control, again! I am in a state of panic at the moment because I have no idea if I can regain the momentum I had. I worry that my mental exhaustion at having to calculate every single bite and analyse every frigging food choice I make will get the better of me. I am really annoyed that no matter how I slice it, it is so unfairly easy to simply eat too many calories in a day… Yes, I am feeling defeated…

One thing hasn’t changed though: the quality of the food I allow to enter my home and the type of restaurants we patronize. I just eat too much of the good stuff!!! So I guess I should celebrate that as a small victory: while it’s a small step,  I am trying to hold on to with all my might, hoping it will keep me from sliding back into obesity. I am so discouraged with my never ending struggles of a slimmer me that can actual remain a «slimmer me». On a molecular level, I think the cell gang is happy: I am providing max nutrition and also trying my darn best to support local growers, merchants and food crafters. I am still pro-active when it comes to selecting main staples at home making a solid effort to predominantly buy ethically and locally grown/raised foods. Although I have allowed big brand peanut butter and mayonnaise back in the house (the men were close to declaring war), I strive to follow the 80/20 rule when it comes to food source: eighty percent really, really good on all counts and twenty percent maybe not so great (like purchasing non-organic grapes from Chile in the middle of the winter).  Hubby maintains his peanut butter is part of his 20%: since he no longer frequents fast food chains, I guess I can let him have that.

But today, after bravely stepping on the stupid scale, I really do not care about that small victory of eating better foods… I feel beaten, conquered, desperate… Today, I am back to the drawing board: counting calories, trying to make wiser choices and learning to say no thank you to the constant offerings that happen almost daily. As the world is trying to convince me that counting calories is not important as long as you feed yourself well, I scream back HOGWASH! Calories do matter… No matter how holistic and wholesome my calories are, too many of them in my daily intake make my fat cells jump for joy prompting them to fill up for a rainy day! As I tackle today and the need to shed those few pounds before they multiply even more,  I know I will feel hungry and I know I will struggle to stay away from any bread product, choosing a delicious (yet not fulfilling) orange as my mid-morning snack. Thankfully, the Arctic air mass that had been on stage now since early January seems to have taken a bow (it’s about time, seeing March just rolled in), giving me the spunk I need to resume my 6 km/day walk to and from work. It should help… Three little meagre months of letting a bit loose have managed to pile on my body 12 pounds of unwanted love handles. Whoa, I am recoiling with horror by admitting publicly the actual number of pounds gained and the lightning speed at which I actually packed these on. My only wish for today is that by dinner, I will not have lost the resolve I started my Monday morning.  Can I count on a simple equation of 12 lbs on in three months for 12 lbs off in an equal amount of time? I have this cute little sleeveless sun dress I am dying to wear again soon…And in three little months, it will be sun dress season! But until then, please allow me to cry a river over this set back! Here we go again…

P.S. I am currently putting together a short story / memoir of weight loss and obesity. It just needs a little bit of fine tuning. For those who have ever struggled with weight problems and who constantly hold an internal dialogue about food and weight…